Moments Series: The Killer
by Su Freund
Summary: Jack's thoughts as he watches Sam on life support. Episode tag for Entity.
1. Default Chapter

Title: Moments Series: The Killer

Author: Su Freund

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: PoV, Episode Tag, Angst

Content Warnings: Use of mild language

Pairings: Jack and Sam

Season: Four

Spoilers: Entity

Fiction Rated: T

Summary: Jack's thoughts as he watches Sam on life support

Sequel/Series Info: Drabble series of POVs based on a moment from an episode

Status: Complete

Disclaimer: Not mine and sadly never will be. No copyright infringement is intended. Copyright © 2004 Su Freund

Archive: My site, Jackfic, SJD

Author's Note: Called a drabble because each individual paragraph is 100 words long. This series is not necessarily written or appearing in episode order so does not follow a particular sequence - except my whim in writing them.

**The Killer **

I've been a killer for most of my life, trained for it, excel at it. It's part of what I do and what I am. But I never expected to use those skills to kill a friend, someone I care about, love and cherish, someone who is so important to my life, a woman I need to make me complete. How do live with this? Charlie was bad enough but at least I didn't literally pull the trigger, although I was culpable. This time it was by my hand. Two zat blasts, two! Couldn't she have fallen on one? God!

If someone else did it I could never forgive them. I can live without forgiving me, I do that every day and always will, but now I have another death on my conscience and I'm not getting over this one anytime soon. Sure I'm a killer: strangers, enemies, fine, but friends? You shouldn't have to make that choice. It's the hardest one I ever made, duty over love. I guess we both willingly made that choice a long time ago. Today, I never truly had any option. It was either my world or a friend that I love. Choiceless. Crap!

But if it was someone else, Teal'c or Daniel maybe, how would I live with that? It had to be me. It really sucks, but life has a bad habit of doing that on a regular basis. One minute you're muddling along and the next something rears up to bite you on the ass. It's the inevitability of living. I'm used to that, but I can't see me ever getting used to this. She was a vital force: vibrant and sexy, with enough brain power to light up Colorado Springs. Why her? Why not me? It should have been me.

Never to see that smile again, hear that voice babbling at me incomprehensibly, but sweetly. Those big blue eyes full of affection, humouring me and laughing at my jokes. Her blonde hair, glistening in the sun and shimmering under the moonlight. That smile, cheeks dimpling, eyes gleaming and twinkling; so bright and full of life. That thing took it all away from me; her eyes were dead, her expression expressionless, her voice silent. It was killing me to watch her. Now it's killing me to watch this, to sit with this lifeless thing that is Sam Carter. I killed her.

The alien thought I wouldn't do it but was wrong. It might break me, but I had to kill her. It wasn't Sam, though it was, but I couldn't let that thing destroy everything else I hold dear merely to save her. She'd understand. Now she's a husk, kept alive on life support; brain-dead. That beautiful, brilliant brain, dead. It stinks! And it's killing me, slowly but surely, as if I'd put a knife into my own gut. I love her and she'll never know. I so wanted to be free to tell her one day. Now I never will.

Is there something tattooed on my head? "Jack O'Neill, the man who'll do anything for his cause, even kill his best friends?" Its not fair, or right, and it hurts like hell! I was hoping for a decent break, but no breaks for Jack O'Neill, and now I've lost: lost her, lost it all. My extraordinary, gifted Sam! The lights are on but no one's at home. It should have been me. I'm the one who deserves it. Where's the justice in this? Seems my earthly torment is to live life mourning those I love. Have I been that bad?

This is normally Daniel's trick; dying, forcing me to leave him behind, making me choose. Now it's my Sam, for crying out loud. I never expected this, Sam. You've always been there for me. You've saved my neck too many times to count. I owe you so much, Sam, and this is how I repay it. You gave me hope when there was none, life where there was death, feeling when I was numb, love where there was black emptiness. Now that void is back with a vengeance. I can't do it anymore, Sam, not without you. I need you.

She would hate to live like this. I know it, and that I've lost her, but how can I allow that to happen, or bear it to? How can I watch them pull the plug, switch her off, make her loss absolute? She was one of the few things that made my life better than I deserve, and I've lost her. That's a little careless Jack, it's your job to protect and you wanted to protect her for the rest of your wretched life. In sickness and in health, go figure! Goddammit, I can't save her, and I killed her.

Please, Janet, I know we have to do it, but not yet. Let me sit here just a little while longer and mourn. I can't let her go right now. This is so hard and it hurts too much. Maybe it's time to retire, get out of here while I can. Sam wouldn't want that. She'd want me to live and fight. It's not gonna be easy but I can do it for her, I'd do anything for her. If I could bring her back… but I haven't got that power. I'm gonna miss you so much Sam, my love.

End


	2. The Killer… Coda

Title: Moments Series: The Killer… Coda

Author: Su Freund

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: PoV, Episode Tag, Angst

Content Warnings: Use of mild language

Pairings: Jack and Sam

Season: Four

Spoilers: Entity

Fiction Rating: T

Summary: Jack's thoughts when they save Sam

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to The Killer, which is based on an earlier moment in the same episode. Drabble series of POVs based on a moment from an episode

Status: Complete

Disclaimer: Not mine and sadly never will be. No copyright infringement is intended. Copyright © 2004 Su Freund

Archive: My site, Jackfic, SJD

Author's Note: Called a drabble because each individual paragraph is 100 words long. This series is not necessarily written or appearing in episode order so does not follow a particular sequence - except my whim in writing them. Dedicated to Trish who "encouraged and directed" me to write about this particular moment.

**The Killer… Coda**

Damn! Do I look too pleased? Wipe that smile off your face, Jack, you'll give too much away! I so nearly touched you, Sam, needing to confirm you're really here, but I can't do that. I can't allow myself that pleasure. I don't deserve that after what I did. Nor can I let myself express those feelings. It's not allowed. I definitely shouldn't be smiling. What have I got to smile about? That you're alive? Sure, that's great, but I came too close to losing you; too close to killing you. How do I forgive myself that? How do you?

Jeez, you're really here: smiling with your smile, speaking with your voice, alive with your life. Your blue eyes are full of light again. We heard you Sam, but only just. Wish we'd heard you sooner. I was this close to sniffing you out forever, but then I thought I'd already done that. Thank God for Daniel's brain. I could hug the guy. You would be dead now, if it wasn't for him. You saved my soul Danny boy; saved my sanity, and my love. You did something I could never have done for myself. I didn't hear her calling.

I smile but feel hollow. I'm happy you're back with us, but still dying inside. It's gonna take a while to forgive myself, if I ever can. Not sure I can. This close. Crap! What do you think of your CO and friend now, huh? Do you understand why I did it? Sitting mourning by your empty husk I thought you would, but now I'm not so sure. You're smiling too, but is it as hollow as mine? Do you think I'm cold and heartless to kill a friend so easily. Believe me, it wasn't easy Sam. It's never easy.

God forgive me. Maybe he will, but can you? If I can't then why should you? How will you see me from now on? How will this affect us? Wish I knew what the future held, but maybe it's good that I don't. I hope I never have to make that choice again. A choiceless choice. It's hard to hold life in your hands and play God with it. That shouldn't be my decision but it is, all too often, and it never gets any easier. This time maybe I've been saved along with you, just for a little while.

This time was probably one of the hardest because it was you. It was this close: this close to killing, to crying, and maybe to madness and death inside. Can you see my hidden tears, fear and pain, Sam? Can you see beyond my mask? You're alive and that makes me happy, but I killed you. That kinda spoils the whole happy relief thing. Don't think badly of me, Sam, I can't handle that. You couldn't think more badly of me than I do of myself. I'm not cold-hearted, I'm just me. Jack O'Neill; killer. Worse; friend killer. I'm damned!

But I am more than that, Sam, truly I am. I hope you see that too. My love, my respect, my undying friendship, loyalty and trust. My soul isn't entirely black, although it might have become that if today had turned out differently. Who knows? It has black patches, and shades of grey, but there's color inside there too. You only have to look. You only have to see what's right there in front of you. I never want to visit that dark place again. I've been there before and it's cold, lonely and forbidding. God help me, forgive me.

Now we have more time. I thought time had slipped through my fingers, and I've been granted a reprieve, but will I ever feel normal again? Can I ever cleanse my sullied soul? Like Lady MacBeth, the blood on my hands may never wash away. 'Out damned spot, out I say!' Maybe some of that vital force that lives within you can rub off on me. Maybe those beautiful big blue eyes will penetrate and decontaminate my soul. What can I do with that extra time? Can I do something good and find redemption? I'm gonna be looking… I'll try.

Maybe I'm beyond redemption. Maybe that was my final test and I flunked, big time. Thing is, I know I did right, and yet it felt so wrong. Crap! I can't square this circle right now and probably never will. I just know that smile is starting to heal me, salving my blackened soul; those eyes are warming my icy heart, making me feel alive. I shouldn't feel this good after I did something so bad and unforgivable. Sam, please forgive me for not being a hero, for falling off my white horse. It's so great to have you back.

The End


End file.
